Sorry, I just remembered the last thing I wrote here.  I’m not dead, just distracted and lazy.  I’ve been packing up some of the shit in my apartment and trying to figure out some things with my cars and paying for this move.  I can’t wait to get out of this shithole state back home where I belong.  Especially being on the with other people who know what the fuck they’re doing.  One of the bigger problems I’m looking at right now is a considerable number of pieces of fragile glassware and the three dozen or so statues I’ve collected.  I have some thoughts on how to pack them but ya know, until the job is done, counting eggs and hatching as such.  And while I have a place in line, my move-in date is still a little up in the air.  So, if anyone has a couch and/or shower I could borrow from time to time in the next couple months, all offers are welcome.

     Anyway, I’ve been rewatching Young Justice the last couple days.  I put it on to try and get to sleep and then I kept falling asleep far sooner than anticipated.  It’s taken me about a day and a half to get through one season.  And yes, that’s slow for me especially watching a show with twenty-something minute runtimes.  But sweet damn!  The writing on this show is fantastic!  Greg Weismann is extraordinarily talented.  I’ve been meaning to collect more comics written by him but with the money situation lately.  In any case, I’m sure I already have some books he wrote.  Maybe I’ll have some time soon to thumb through my boxes after I get everything moved.  This is one of those shows that always make me want throw some dice and create new characters with the MSHRPG system.  I am actively channeling that energy into my desire for the new MMRPG system so, I’m thinking up how to translate these characters into that game.  It’s been easier to do convert a lot of characters from other media into this game, especially with the X-MEN Expansion.  I’m excited to see what get next with the Spider-Verse Expansion.  We all know that Spider-man has always been MY guy.  I’d always related far too much to Peter Parker.  Infinitely more so when dad died.  There’s something profound that happens to a person when they lose someone like that.  End of this month it’ll be 28 years since dad died and I still can’t describe the how that event changed me.  I remember just about every moment of that day.  I consciously recognized in the moment that I was feeling numb, I understand better now that my body was in shock.  Since then, though, a lot of things are not the same as before then.  I’m sure that’s a whole article to itself so, I’ll leave on that for now.

     Aside from everything else, I’ll need to work out the logistics of starting up Redstone Diaries back home when I get there.  I can’t wait to get there and start finding new players to join us.  So, until next time.

OK, I’m doing a little better now.  I’m still down but starting to swing up.  The suicidal thoughts are getting to be fewer now.  I’ve decided that I’m moving back to LA by the end of the year.  I’ve a got a lead on a place to live, and the work situation is a little hazy still, but the biggest pain in the ass with all this is packing.  Turns out that I’ve collected a lot of shit.  So far I’ve loaded down five 27 gal. totes with just my board games.  Yeah, pain in the ass.  On the other hand, I saw Kevin Smith last night at Wiseguys Downtown.  If you haven’t seen him in a live show like this, you’re doing yourself a grave disservice.  I wasn’t a fan of right away.  His first movie I saw was Chasing Amy.  And in retrospect, I just realized how much that film informed certain perceptions, let’s say imposed on me as a child.  I wouldn’t say I’m less an asshole but rather more an asshole oriented for comedic effect.  And now, of course I enjoy the Clerks movies for all the obvious reasons and Dogma in particular with my greater comprehension of organized religion.  My point is that you should take the time to catch his live performances whenever you can.  You will not be disappointed.

     Back to my moving to LA.  Like I wrote last week, I’ve lost too much time and too many people for me keep dicking around here.  The big things that I’ve always wanted in life were never a possibility for me living in utah.  I should have figured out how to make this happen years ago.  Maybe I could have gotten the things I really wanted.  No, I’m not telling you what exactly I’m referring to.  It’s none of your damn business.  Point is, I’m moving back to LA finally.  It’s been too long and the last time I got to go home was for a funeral so, mixed feelings.  And now I need to figure out exactly what the rules for home recording studios so I can rebuild Quiet Treats soon after getting back in town.  So, if anyone reading this has experience and/or someone I can talk to about this sort of thing, I’d really appreciate the help.  And then I just remembered that I needed to make a phone call to try and figure out the money to make this happen.  The timing is going to be tight soooo, if anyone felt like contributing any funds to my moving venture, I’ll create resin sculptures for you.  Fell free to e-mail me here with the contact page and we work out what you want me to make you for your contribution.  Let’s say right now $5 for a small pyramid.  I have a bunch of glow-in-the-dark and color changing pigments.  So, yeah, money would be super helpful to get my ass back home to LA.

     Anyway, I have some corn dogs that are done cooking and I just noticed earlier that I missed a few words in my last post.  I’m debating whether to repost is with the corrections or just leave it as-is.  In any case, I mentioned here that I fucked up so, my conscience is clear.  Damnit, almost hit 600 words exactly.

I know, the website says ‘comedy’ shed radio but this one is gonna be pretty heavy.  This article is definitely more of a shed conversation.  I decided that I’m moving back to LA.  I never wanted to leave and I banished to utah at a time that was objectively THE worst possible thing for me.  I’ve been stuck here for over twenty years.  More than two decades I lost with the people who are the most important to me, people who cared about me and took care of me.  And now I’ve lost some of those people having not told them the things I should have…not even getting to say good bye.  I decided that I’m moving back by January.  So, of course, the daring and well thought out plan I mapped is already falling apart.  I’ve come to a junction were the only way I can afford to make it happen would would require letting go of the safety line that I’m counting on to be able to support myself, and isn’t entirely certain in and of itself.

     I spent most of today submitting applications and trying to figure out how to make this happen.  I haven’t been in a good place for a very long time.  I often make jokes about being able to count my good days.  It’s not a joke.  Seven.  That’s how many ‘good’ days I’ve experienced in my life.  And fuck you, I’m not telling you what they are.  You haven’t earned that.  Inevitably, there were thousands of bad days to drag me down, grinding me into the concrete.  Once in awhile I remember good things and then I break down weeping all night.  It seems I spend each waking moment reliving my entire existence.  Which is great, what with the lifetime of insomnia.  You’re right, that is in fact not as much fun as it sounds.  I needed a break earlier and started watching the new season of Shrinking.  In fairness, I was watching the new episode of Silo because I have a not-so-secret crush on Rebecca Ferguson but I forgot that Apple TV+ releases episodes one at a time, and then is shifted to Shrinking and I’d forgotten how rough it is for me to watch this show.  It’s hard watching shows like this and recognizing your own bullshit.

     I’ll be honest, ya know…more than usual.  The suicidal thoughts have been more intrusive lately.  For context, thinking about killing myself has pretty well been my default setting since I was thirteen, at least.  There have been times when the thoughts are more prominent, or constant.  Usually, I manage.  I acknowledge the thought, I feel what I need to feel, and then I move on.  It’s hard sometimes to get past it but the last couple months have been harder than usual.  I had other things I was going to write before I nodded off and now I can’t recall exactly what I was going to say here.  The things I really wanted in life I didn’t get to have because I spent my teens and twenties working a series of dead-end, no-paying jobs that ate all my time and energy and left me no money to get by because that whole time I had to fix the shit my “mother” did to my name and credit.  I was getting to be ‘ok’ when I was thirty-eight, and then everything turned to shit again when I tried to help someone who just took advantage of me.  I have actively tried to be happy and it never worked.  I’ve never fit in anywhere, certainly not this shithole state but my friends genuinely cared for me and I was isolated from them for over two decades.

     Sorry, this is clearly why I don’t have anyone anymore to unload on like this.  I missed out on a lot of things for a very long time.  Really, more than anything I find myself hoping that All-Purpose-Plan-B can relocate me to a specific point in time and perhaps that go around I can actually learn to advocate for myself, get the hell out of the church shit, and in turn have more sex when I could have.  Despite everything there are people I love.  A lot of them dead but the ones who aren’t and they need to know that.  And this way is more convenient than having actual conversations with them and avoids they calling the hotline.  Thanks.

It’s been really hard to get done anything this week.  There are a lot of really bad things that are going to happen soon, really REALLY bad things.  We know this because a lot of very predictable bad things are already happening.  I don’t like to write about politics on here but this is beyond the preview of politics.  This has been a broad sweeping dismantling of decency, truth, and to sound somewhat corny, the American way of life.  They said four years ago that they were going to do whatever they want, regardless of outcomes.  And sure enough, they got their way while the responsible adults are sitting by and not following through on their responsibility.

     Aside from that shit.  I’m still working through my personal depression bullshit.  We’ve recorded a few hours of our Marvel Multiverse Game and I’m taking too long to get done the editing but I’m trying to do it.  I normally write at least five hundred words in this thing but I need to get something out and I just don’t have the energy to work a full article right now.  I’m sorry for the inconsistency with all this.  It’s been increasingly difficult to motivate myself doing anything pretty much my whole life but in particular the last couple years.  I am looking into getting help.  But it turns out that the groups I’ve been pointed to have some not great yelp reviews.  That’s not a deterrent for me it surely doesn’t help with the confidence in those organizations.  I am looking to get into therapy but we’ll see how things shake out.

     I think this may have been enough for today.  I’m two scotches in my cup and trying to get to sleep before.  The big problem is that I started my laundry backwards today and the sheets for my bed are still in the dryer right now.  So, I still have to wait awhile before they’re done and I can lay down.  I’m so very tired and the scotch has its work cut out for it.  I’m just about to the point where the booze can help me fall asleep but that window is already closing as I sit here typing.  At least there’s something interesting on the scanner right now.  It’s almost a shame that there’s no reliable news source to report it.  Fuck it, I’m going to eat my last ice cream sandwich right now and try to take a nape before work.  until next time.  Thanks for reading!

Okay, a few things.  I meant to do this earlier but I haven’t been in a good place the last few days…ya know, more than usual.  I had a thing at work and it pretty well fucked me up.  And sure enough, I had the last couple days I could have been writing, or casting, or drawing, or whatever any of the dozen or so projects I’ve started over the previous six months or so, and in turn, did nothing.  I mean, I worked on building resources for the Marvel Multiverse Roleplaying Game but it’s not as though that’s paying me anything.  Granted, nothing else I do gets me money either but I think you know what I mean.  In any case, the depression I’ve been experiencing lately is still going strong.  In case you were worried I was on an upswing or something.  That’s also why I haven’t posted the new episode yet.  I’m putting the final touch on it tonight and it’ll post this Friday.  

     Now then, everything else.  Obviously while I’ve been accomplishing nothing worthwhile, I’ve been watching TV.  I started up on Heroes again.  Turns out the last time I watched through it I got into season three.  I think I hadn’t watched most of seasons three and four of that show.  There’s quite a bit of it I don’t remember.  I’ve said this about many shows, Arrow, probably some others I’ve written about here, but season one of Heroes is fantastic.  Sure, the overall quality of the writing waned across the last two seasons.  I think that was primarily because many of the plot points storytelling beats were effectively tools commonly used in comic book writing.  Which makes sense given this show was designed and intended to be a live action comic book.  A notion all fine and well but we all saw how in the middle of Heroes’ run on television, Marvel with Paramount kicked off a decade’s worth of the some of the finest films in a very long time and those films were focused on many of the lesser or not at all known characters from Marvel Comics.  Thinking about it now, there is a fairly clear line between Heroes and the then impending success of the Marvel Studios films.  Long story, short, Heroes is still a pretty good series.  Not great, but I enjoy it all the same.

     And now that it’s been two days since I started this, I should probably finish it, finally.  I really am trying to get these things working again.  It’s been rough lately but I haven’t given up, not yet at least.  It is helpful seeing people coming to the site recently.  We’ve been getting clicks, as they say, for the last couple months.  I really appreciate that and I will have reasons for all of you to keep coming by.  And don’t worry, when I do finally figure out how to kill myself, you’ll all be the first to know.  Until later.