I know, the website says ‘comedy’ shed radio but this one is gonna be pretty heavy.  This article is definitely more of a shed conversation.  I decided that I’m moving back to LA.  I never wanted to leave and I banished to utah at a time that was objectively THE worst possible thing for me.  I’ve been stuck here for over twenty years.  More than two decades I lost with the people who are the most important to me, people who cared about me and took care of me.  And now I’ve lost some of those people having not told them the things I should have…not even getting to say good bye.  I decided that I’m moving back by January.  So, of course, the daring and well thought out plan I mapped is already falling apart.  I’ve come to a junction were the only way I can afford to make it happen would would require letting go of the safety line that I’m counting on to be able to support myself, and isn’t entirely certain in and of itself.

     I spent most of today submitting applications and trying to figure out how to make this happen.  I haven’t been in a good place for a very long time.  I often make jokes about being able to count my good days.  It’s not a joke.  Seven.  That’s how many ‘good’ days I’ve experienced in my life.  And fuck you, I’m not telling you what they are.  You haven’t earned that.  Inevitably, there were thousands of bad days to drag me down, grinding me into the concrete.  Once in awhile I remember good things and then I break down weeping all night.  It seems I spend each waking moment reliving my entire existence.  Which is great, what with the lifetime of insomnia.  You’re right, that is in fact not as much fun as it sounds.  I needed a break earlier and started watching the new season of Shrinking.  In fairness, I was watching the new episode of Silo because I have a not-so-secret crush on Rebecca Ferguson but I forgot that Apple TV+ releases episodes one at a time, and then is shifted to Shrinking and I’d forgotten how rough it is for me to watch this show.  It’s hard watching shows like this and recognizing your own bullshit.

     I’ll be honest, ya know…more than usual.  The suicidal thoughts have been more intrusive lately.  For context, thinking about killing myself has pretty well been my default setting since I was thirteen, at least.  There have been times when the thoughts are more prominent, or constant.  Usually, I manage.  I acknowledge the thought, I feel what I need to feel, and then I move on.  It’s hard sometimes to get past it but the last couple months have been harder than usual.  I had other things I was going to write before I nodded off and now I can’t recall exactly what I was going to say here.  The things I really wanted in life I didn’t get to have because I spent my teens and twenties working a series of dead-end, no-paying jobs that ate all my time and energy and left me no money to get by because that whole time I had to fix the shit my “mother” did to my name and credit.  I was getting to be ‘ok’ when I was thirty-eight, and then everything turned to shit again when I tried to help someone who just took advantage of me.  I have actively tried to be happy and it never worked.  I’ve never fit in anywhere, certainly not this shithole state but my friends genuinely cared for me and I was isolated from them for over two decades.

     Sorry, this is clearly why I don’t have anyone anymore to unload on like this.  I missed out on a lot of things for a very long time.  Really, more than anything I find myself hoping that All-Purpose-Plan-B can relocate me to a specific point in time and perhaps that go around I can actually learn to advocate for myself, get the hell out of the church shit, and in turn have more sex when I could have.  Despite everything there are people I love.  A lot of them dead but the ones who aren’t and they need to know that.  And this way is more convenient than having actual conversations with them and avoids they calling the hotline.  Thanks.

It’s been really hard to get done anything this week.  There are a lot of really bad things that are going to happen soon, really REALLY bad things.  We know this because a lot of very predictable bad things are already happening.  I don’t like to write about politics on here but this is beyond the preview of politics.  This has been a broad sweeping dismantling of decency, truth, and to sound somewhat corny, the American way of life.  They said four years ago that they were going to do whatever they want, regardless of outcomes.  And sure enough, they got their way while the responsible adults are sitting by and not following through on their responsibility.

     Aside from that shit.  I’m still working through my personal depression bullshit.  We’ve recorded a few hours of our Marvel Multiverse Game and I’m taking too long to get done the editing but I’m trying to do it.  I normally write at least five hundred words in this thing but I need to get something out and I just don’t have the energy to work a full article right now.  I’m sorry for the inconsistency with all this.  It’s been increasingly difficult to motivate myself doing anything pretty much my whole life but in particular the last couple years.  I am looking into getting help.  But it turns out that the groups I’ve been pointed to have some not great yelp reviews.  That’s not a deterrent for me it surely doesn’t help with the confidence in those organizations.  I am looking to get into therapy but we’ll see how things shake out.

     I think this may have been enough for today.  I’m two scotches in my cup and trying to get to sleep before.  The big problem is that I started my laundry backwards today and the sheets for my bed are still in the dryer right now.  So, I still have to wait awhile before they’re done and I can lay down.  I’m so very tired and the scotch has its work cut out for it.  I’m just about to the point where the booze can help me fall asleep but that window is already closing as I sit here typing.  At least there’s something interesting on the scanner right now.  It’s almost a shame that there’s no reliable news source to report it.  Fuck it, I’m going to eat my last ice cream sandwich right now and try to take a nape before work.  until next time.  Thanks for reading!

Okay, a few things.  I meant to do this earlier but I haven’t been in a good place the last few days…ya know, more than usual.  I had a thing at work and it pretty well fucked me up.  And sure enough, I had the last couple days I could have been writing, or casting, or drawing, or whatever any of the dozen or so projects I’ve started over the previous six months or so, and in turn, did nothing.  I mean, I worked on building resources for the Marvel Multiverse Roleplaying Game but it’s not as though that’s paying me anything.  Granted, nothing else I do gets me money either but I think you know what I mean.  In any case, the depression I’ve been experiencing lately is still going strong.  In case you were worried I was on an upswing or something.  That’s also why I haven’t posted the new episode yet.  I’m putting the final touch on it tonight and it’ll post this Friday.  

     Now then, everything else.  Obviously while I’ve been accomplishing nothing worthwhile, I’ve been watching TV.  I started up on Heroes again.  Turns out the last time I watched through it I got into season three.  I think I hadn’t watched most of seasons three and four of that show.  There’s quite a bit of it I don’t remember.  I’ve said this about many shows, Arrow, probably some others I’ve written about here, but season one of Heroes is fantastic.  Sure, the overall quality of the writing waned across the last two seasons.  I think that was primarily because many of the plot points storytelling beats were effectively tools commonly used in comic book writing.  Which makes sense given this show was designed and intended to be a live action comic book.  A notion all fine and well but we all saw how in the middle of Heroes’ run on television, Marvel with Paramount kicked off a decade’s worth of the some of the finest films in a very long time and those films were focused on many of the lesser or not at all known characters from Marvel Comics.  Thinking about it now, there is a fairly clear line between Heroes and the then impending success of the Marvel Studios films.  Long story, short, Heroes is still a pretty good series.  Not great, but I enjoy it all the same.

     And now that it’s been two days since I started this, I should probably finish it, finally.  I really am trying to get these things working again.  It’s been rough lately but I haven’t given up, not yet at least.  It is helpful seeing people coming to the site recently.  We’ve been getting clicks, as they say, for the last couple months.  I really appreciate that and I will have reasons for all of you to keep coming by.  And don’t worry, when I do finally figure out how to kill myself, you’ll all be the first to know.  Until later.

Here we are again.  I have the new episode ready to go, and it will be uploaded and available for download this Friday.  There, I threw my hat over the wall.  Now I’m going to go do that…after I finish this, of course.  I’m starting to build better habits now.  To that point, I’ll be posting here each Wednesday afternoon.  Then on Fridays we’ll post the new episode of Redstone Diaries.  As of right now, we have about three or four episodes and we’ll be recording again by the second.  Just now I think I decided on a title for my Ripper podcast so, I’m going to start applying more energy to that.  I’m looking forward to my first go at writing an actual script for something and performing it, other than my own stand-up.  Otherwise, I’m still looking to produce other podcasts.

     We’re also closer to figuring out the video side of our projects.  I can’t wait to regularly live stream at least some of our bullshit.  I think I may get on Twitch later today and possibly play with some Lego.  I’m also thinking about just getting on Twitch so as to find some people who want to contribute to my writing process.  What do you guys think?  Hanging around in an online clubhouse write the story that I’ll use to beat, maim, and more likely than not murder the characters of my friends and coworkers.  I’m also getting ready to play a game with friends at work.  Some scheduling things changed at work that will make it easier for us to play games at lunch.  I’m getting a few friends set up with simple basic characters to start a game that we’ll play weekly for 20-25 mins. each go.  I have some ideas that I think will be fun and allow for a gradual acclimation into the game setting, mechanics, and rhythm of the group.  Things I’d be interesting to discuss in group settings on Twitch or Twitter, for example, would NPCs, special items, and other elements like that.  I use an app called Characterize to randomly generate characters.  The app gives you the ability to configure your own generator.  The process can be a mite monotonous but it’s worthwhile when you craft the generator to do exactly what you’re designing it to do.  I’m using this to create the NPCs used in our podcast games.  The generator I’ve so far isn’t quite what I want it to be but it’s working well.  I really like the idea of creating items that are unique and powerful, like in the realm of comic book super heroes we have things like Cap’s Shield, Batman’s belt, Witchblade’s Witchblade.  I could use some inspiration coming up with original weapons and/or vehicles.  Have any of you started reading the books for Marvel Multiverse Roleplaying Game?  I’ve said before that I wasn’t entirely sold on the power system in this game but I think I am coming around on it.  I’m interested in having some conversations about this.

     Well, It’s time that I get to other projects here.  If any of you are interested in hanging out and chatting on Twitch, the handle is ComedyShedRadio.  And I’m learning how to use all this technology shit so, maybe I’ll figure out how to connect our linktree onto the website…or whatever we have going on here.  In any case, later.

I’ve been watching the first season of Arrow again.  It’s been awhile since the last time.  I’d forgotten just how good that first season is.  Sure it has some technical missteps, however, no more than anything else.  And the things it gets right, it gets very right.  Just in this one season, the development of Oliver’s character is remarkable in that it’s more than we, the viewer, expect and it’s not so much that it’s unbelievable.  In the pilot, we’re introduced to Oliver Queen as a grizzled shipwreck survivor, stranded on a not-so-friendly island for five years.  After that we see him effectively in poor health, covered in scars and other damage, a doctor mentions numerous improperly healed fractures to multiple bones, and a marked digression in his emotional response.  Throughout this episode we see flashbacks and hear recounting of his misspent youth.  As a viewer we try to reconcile this image of an irresponsible and reckless child with that of a stoic, penitent man, which becomes simpler as we see his flashbacks to his time on the island.  We see an overprivileged and entitled whelp recognize this and grow in real time.

     There’s a lot to this episode that hit very close to home for me.  My dad died when I was pretty young.  Not so dramatically as depicted in this show but he sacrificed nonetheless.  Regardless of the how, the when, and however prepared you think you are, when you see your dad’s body lying there and you know he’s not getting up.  You know he’s not going to be there for the big events, birthdays, anniversaries, not even for the mundane and day-to-day.  In that moment you know these things and then you remember every morning when you wake up.  That changes you, it can’t not.  And if you think it didn’t or you keep acting like it didn’t you’re not just lying to yourself, you’re dishonoring one of the greater lessons your father should have given you.  In any case, these are the things we should be finding in the art we choose, not boobs…well, not just boobs.  Don’t get me wrong, boobs make everything better but that’s not my point here.  What I am saying is that the series Arrow, in particular this first season is far better a show than it’s given credit.  The season continues we watch as Oliver works to right the wrongs his father committed and while he starts by focusing on just that task, the people he trusts to keep his secret manage to sway him to expand the scope of his mission.  Going from psychopath in a costume to dangerous vigilante, and from time to time, a hero.  When I was a child among my heroes was always Spider-man.  My most favorite thing was the Fox Kids TV show Spider-man.  That’s where I first heard a quotation that has never left my mind.  F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote “Show me a hero and I’ll write you a tragedy.”  I’ve spent my life since then asking myself just how true that is.  Especially with certain things happening now, today, we’re shown all too well how villains visit tragedy on the heads of those around them.  

     My intent here was just to jerk off the first season of Arrow a bit but then stream of consciousness took over and I only really talked about one episode.  Maybe I’ll just do this weekly for each episode for awhile.  That aside, I have some editing to get done.  We just recorded an episode or two for Redstone Diaries last night and I have a few more sessions on the book so, we’re moving forward with our Marvel Multiverse Roleplaying Game.  Stay tuned, because per usual I figured out what to do next in that game after everybody left.  And we learned some things about Denmark.  You won’t want to miss this.